I figured the best way to spice up the crappy internet and get a lot of traffic to this webpage was to write on the subject of doing chicks, man. I am going to answer all the questions for the dudes out there. So, listen up turds.

What babes really want in a man…

• Babes like men with lots of awesome tattoos (ink). Cobras, guns, naked chicks, panthers and/or tigers are good.
• Big muscles. You need to be able to prove that if you got jumped by a rival martial arts gang that your lady-friend would be safe in your arms. You definitely need to be buff, like me, if you want to get hot chicks, and fluent with a katana.
• Nothing screams huge boner more than driving onto her parent’s lawn with your El Camino and peeling out, drawing a heart shape. this proves that you are rebellious, sensitive and artistic.
• Fucking roundhouse kick a bigfoot yeti’s head right off his frame, if you get the chance, man.
• Guys that look like Uncle Jesse from Full House get a lot of action. It’s probably the haircut and eyebrows.
• Another thing that women find super-hot is getting a haircut with her initials or full name carved in it. Example: “Blaire is Fine.”
• When you guys are making out use lots of tongue, dude. Chicks love that. Also, eat something really good beforehand, so you don’t have bad breath. For example, DiGornio pizza, it makes all the difference in the world, bro.
• Join a non-profit charitable organization, like the Alliance of Independent Bigfoot Researchers.
• Consider holding an arm wrestling event where you beat every competitor, and get to flex a lot. Then, fake an injury to ensure a massage and sympathy.
• Women love dudes who are masters of the martial arts. Here is a HUGE tip: If you are a total pussy and only a brown belt, only show her after dusk. The human eye cannot tell the difference between brown and black at night, therefore giving the illusion of having a black belt.
• Take your babe somewhere equally as special as her… Like Applebees. This is no time to be cheap. You’re trying to make a lasting impression.
• Babes don’t like men who wear thong underpants, man.
• If you play guitar in a rock band, you probably already know that you possess the ultimate ingredient… Invite her to your concert, but never guest list her. Not listing her will put you on a higher level and she’ll want you more… While you are ripping a guitar solo, giver her the sexy-eyes from the stage, she’ll feel special. If you get a chance, get on the mic and say, “I have a major solo coming up in this next song and it goes out to someone I’ve been undressing with my eyes all night.” During the solo, wink at her and show her your tongue, so she knows it’s her.
• If you read comic books, you fucking rock, bro.
• Play an integral part in debunking the myth that yeti bigfoot exists, by smoking them out, taking pictures and/or video and killing them all before they kill us.
• Professional wrestling. Women want men who are into watching other men in their league compete in hands-on combat. It helps if you are like me and can really compete.
• When something is mega, say in your loudest voice, “MERRRRRRRCY!!!” like Uncle Jesse from Full House.
• Grooming is essential. Women don’t want to be poked in the face by your beard, so consider just keeping the moustache. You’re going to be doing a lot of making out, but you absolutely don’t want to give up showing off your exceptional facial hair.
• Women want a guy that has a nice ride. Something that is “souped up” is always a major hit. Consider a fucking El Camino, bro. Never consider a pussy-mobile like a Camaro or Fiero… Actually anything that ends in “ro” will probably attract sausage.
• Women want a man in power, and that’s why you need to have a great career. You need to be the leader of the band, or the Assistant General Manager if you want a hot lady for the long term. You could be a geoducker, like me, but I already have that job, so back off bro. Women are also into brand recognition, so consider Taco Bell over something like Burritoville when thinking about making a career change. It sounds more impressive.
• Always keep a few babes in the wing so she knows you have options.
• Consider joining a city-league basketball team and insist that she come and cheer you on. These basketball leagues are guaranteed to fuel fights between the players, and you’ll be able to demonstrate your martial arts mastery in public.
• Wear sweatpants in public whenever you can. Women love this because it really emphasises your huge boner and shows that you are ready at the drop of a hat to be athletic. This could be anything from whiffleball to kicking major butt to pleasing her in unimaginable ways, dude.

Most of all, I think it’s safe to say that chicks want you to be more like me. So, take it from me guys… I do this shit and I’ve taste tested more than my fair share of babes, dude.

L8r -Ken