Sup Giant Retards?

So I was cruising Youturd and found a crappy fucking video of some turds claiming to have found some Loch Ness ice giant in Siberia man. NOT. It’s not true man. I’m a dual citizen of Siberia and my Nana is from there man. My grandpa’s name is Kensekov Wilkinyeltson man. I’ve got Siberian blood dude, and this video is bullshit man. They film some Discovery Channel crappy TV show like Ice Truckers or the Deadliest Catch… They oughtta be filming Ken the Moose Wilkinson’s Deadliest Fart man. If they want ratings bro. Here’s a link to the crappy inturdnet video. Here’s my response… The ice giant is a giant fucking turd that I pushed out and it’s been iced over since ‘89 man. Check this shit out. PWNAGE.

Here’s the crappy video of Ice Giants

l8r -ken

Sup Returds,

Here is one of many close encounters I have had with bigfoot yeti man. This one took place in 1986 in Yukon’s Eastern Slope while I was hunting tree squirells in the winter time. There were two of the them, male and fe-male.

l8r -ken

Sup Yetiturd Efficianados?

Well, the reports are in and apparently bigfoot a’la yeti has been captured with video proof man. I will respond with a “who gives a flying crap, dude?” I’ve had photo and video evidence of his existance for fuckin decades bro! Yeah, I’ve actually got a couple housebroken and they make me breakfast every morning. These turds who claim to be fuckin yeti investigators broke into my freezer and took pictures next to a bunch of yeti steaks and then call the fuckin USA news teams to come and make them famous. All I can say is you’re lucky I was in Czechoslovakia winning a Wizards of Sega championship and wasn’t at home so I could make you famous in the Canadian missing persons report, man. I want my yeti steaks back dude. Either come clean and let the media know that I debunked the myth eons ago, or forever be a super returd… and know it forever. I’m going to be clear with my demands. If persons want to see my yeti evidence, then I want to do it the right way. I want an interview with Matt Lauer. I also want Vladimir Putin and Prince Harry to thumbwrestle in the background while I do a tae kwan do, cobra-style demonstration pre-game show. I also want a fuckin rematch with Norris man. NORRIS - I’ve beat your dumb ass many times overseas, but this time I want to do it live on North American primetime. Not even pay per view. I want primetime, and I want Matt Lauer to be the announcer and guest referee in the deathmatch-style bout. I also want Heather Locklear to be the babe who holds up the round cards… Even though she’ll only have to hold up a card for the first round. She’ll at least have plenty of energy to go all night if you know what I mean bro. I want the fight to be on every Canadian channel, causing everyone to miss the season finale of Degrassi.

Those yeti guys are liars.

L8r -ken

Is there going to be an episode of Cops about this… or what? Yeti went crazy, bro. He’s up to about 137 kills… He has wiped out 7 towns by himself, rendering those towns extinct, by Canadian Mountie standards. He hasn’t messed with my town yet, probably because I live in the inner city man. King of the ghetto. Yeti fears me, bro. I almost extincted the sasquatchian species all by myself, man.

If you need more info, so you can make a made-for-TV movie about it, just PM me man, my rates are reasonable too.

What’s up man.

I bet you’ve never seen the Sprinting Albatross of Northern Uganda, man. I have. Truth is, not many people have seen it. First off, you have to be in the right place at the right time, like I am most of the time. It’s like having to be at T’ Bell the second they lower the price on the Taquitos, bro. If you wait until yer hungry, the sale is over. Anyway, back to the Sprinting Albatross. This shit is no joke, dude. They stand about 7.5 meters tall, so just a few centimeters taller than me even, which is impressive. They are really fat, probably about 900 kilos, bro and they have really long man boobs. This is their major defining feature. These dudes are usually found roaming the countryside of northern Canada’s harshest conditions. I think these guys might give yeti bigfoot a run for his money in the tough guy department, man. These ‘trosses don’t have any feathers either… Awesome species. They taste good too… kinda like General Tsao chicken Chinese food, man. I actually discovered this species while camping on a river raft near the north pole. I was camping alone and decided to stay out for a few extra days. I did not have enough food, so I was forced to go hunting. After day 19 I had ran out of Rice a Roni and Tang packets and was forced from then on to drink freezing, ice cold water from the pond, which will easily give you a sore throat if you haven’t been conditioned correctly. Needless to say, within an hour I had already stumbled upon this amazing species. I easily heard it running because of the distinct sound of it’s man boobs slapping together. I was hiding in some tree branches and launched a blow dart to the neck from about 450 meters distance. I would have donated this species to science for further investigation, but science sucks. If you believe science, then you have no instincts. Can science tell you how to dodge a ninja star or how to master an art form, like Tai Kwan Do? … I didn’t think so man. Anyway, I would have still donated it, even though science is for megaboners, but I ate the whole thing. I’m not sorry about it either. It was delicious. I would easily classify the Sprinting Albatross of Northern Uganda in the cryptozoology department too, purely based on it’s size, boobs and beak qualities.

L8r -Ken